I imagine that preparing for highly anticipated sex is a lot like planning a fancy dinner party. I don’t cook, so I may never test the validity of that hypothesis, but both involve a lot of painstaking planning, timing, and meticulous work. I’m sure some women are mature and self-actualized goddesses who don’t feel the need to shave, groom, or do anything before they get naked and touch another human being that they really, really want to touch. I am not one of them, and I’d like to formally salute the other anxious ladies in this world with this one.
Number 1 : 5 Things Girls Do Before They Have S3x With You
1) We shave. Shave it all. If I could afford it, I would most definitely have a wizard with a laser remove all of the hair from my legs and underarms, and possibly even my bikini line if that’s a thing that we do now. I would tell her to put that shit on Star Wars-style blast and burn off all of my body hair until I can walk up to a newborn and be like, “Ew, you hairy beast.” Okay, I’m not a monster, but you get the point. I want that shit gone. I kind of could afford it if I used a Lifebooker coupon, but I’m not sure that I believe in using coupons when it comes to lasering one of my major organs. I know, I know. I don’t need to shave and many women don’t. Gender norms, femininity; I have my Tumblr Bachelor’s degree, I get it. But something about the feeling of rubbing my freshly shaved and lotioned legs together makes me feel like, twenty times more stoked to get naked with another person. God bless to all of you out there who shave your arms. It’s traumatic enough for me enough to find missed patches on my legs after spending twenty minutes dragging a tiny blade up them ever so gently, so I can’t imagine the kind of angst that comes with finding an orangutan patch on the arms you work so hard to keep weirdly smooth. Trust your struggle.
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